Whoever Came Up With The Concept Of Using Golf Umbrellas In Urban Settings: F.O.A.D.

Supposedly, lightning is the biggest hazard during a rainstorm -- not having your eyeballs ripped from their sockets by sidewalk SUVs.

Times have changed. For the past half dozen or so years, the ratio of conventional rain gear to golf umbrellas has continued to skew away from the side of sanity. Short of writing this worthless mini-rant, I'm helpless in either comprehending, avoiding or eliminating the wholesale use of these god-damned, Titleist & Big Bertha brand umbrellas on city sidewalks. I've been smacked upside the head 500x too often by these insensitive ombrophobiacs. My most recent wound is a decent sized, horizontal wound across my neck.


Over-sized umbrellas have become a far bigger nuisance than a category 5 hurricane.

Logic dictates you don't need a 4'6" diameter umbrella to keep the rain off you. Where the fuck is your common sense and respect for other people's space? This 'dry at any price' trend was started by the insanely obese, but now it's trickled down to normal sized people...and even slight women. Provided they could assure other people their vision was safe, I could almost excuse the plus-sized brigade for requiring more rain protection.

Essentially, I'd like to hear one reasonable explanation as to why so many people feel this need to hold what amounts to King Arthur's round table over their head the moment it starts raining.

Trust me on this people, unless you're so wide-bodied you take up the whole sidewalk - or are part of a herd of beluga whales, walruses or manatees - there's absolutely no reason one of these unobtrusive dome umbrellas won't suffice. That style has a diameter of 28". That's plenty of room to squeeze your fat heads under.

Has this 'bigger the better' rain protection trend spread to all corners of the globe?

I seriously doubt golf-loving Americans imported the idea of using goliath-sized umbrellas from London or Tokyo. There's a slim chance it originated in Paris or Munich, where there's a sizable percentage of self-centered people, but I'm sticking with my initial hunch: this is another inane cultural phenomenon invented somewhere between Shinnecock Hills & Pebble Beach. Whether it started in New York City, or some other U.S. metropolitan center is left to sociologists to decide. It's possible golf umbrellas were first used in Seattle, where protection from the elements might trump the risk of scratching the corneas of their fellow residents. Or maybe some shit for brains Texan was the first to attempt simulating a solar eclipse during a rainstorm; from their perspective, everything that's bigger is better. I doubt it's LA, their climate's too dry and Los Angelinos aren't exactly renowned for their original concepts.

Something tells me this trend is going to get worse.

Are 54" diameter umbrellas going to be deemed inadequate by the middle of the next decade? These annoying umbrellas for 2 started popping up a few years after the advent of the urban golf umbrella. They're fine for a stroll down some remote lover's lane - but shouldn't be allowed to be brought within a 5 mile vicinity of any city or town that has paved sidewalks. How long until some clueless retard starts carrying a beach or patio umbrella with them on overcast days?

Complaints like this are bound to fall on deaf ears. Perhaps I should just wear safety goggles or pick up a galvanized a suit of armor.

Concern for others gradually washes away with each subsequent rain storm. I implore the users of these monstrous umbrellas to keep them off public sidewalks and leave them at home in their golf bags. Trust me, just because the local weather forecaster predicts rain like cats and dogs doesn't literally mean you need overhead protection from falling pets. Please, I implore you, put on a poncho, raincoat, galoshes, waders, hefty bag or vinyl tarpaulin for all I care...but stop poking, scratching and slamming into the faces of innocent by-passers with your sidewalk SUVS.

Thank you.