Living Like A Porko

It's kinda strange how differing factors can end up tying together into a neat little package. Add:

The fact we get tons of inane trade publications no one reads sent to the office
+ My inability to find long enough jeans (with a 36" inseam and a 31" or 32" waist size) in retail shops
Stir in a few fellow employees who pay no mind to addressee confidentiality

...And come up with a magazine that was hand delivered to my desk today called Living XL...


XL indeed. Actually, after having a few products pointed out to me, they're missing several X's and should consider a name change to Living XXXXL.

Seeing that you never know what kind of mailing lists you'll end up on, I guess it serves me right having my 36" length jeans from Levis.com sent to my business address - but I would've never guessed they would sell my name to the Pork Brigade. Not only was a new copy of Living XL hand delivered (as opposed to being thrown into my inbox), it was the main shop talk topic all day. I had no idea there were so many "unique" products designed for the XL crowd. Left-handed scissors I understand. It's just some of these (over-priced & oversized) items definitely fall into the stranger-than-fiction category...

¤ A $90 Automatic Golf Tee and Ball Setter: Eliminating the need to bend down to tee up

¤ A $13 Sock Aid: Only available in white - so keep those plump pigs knuckles clean

¤ A $270 Bathroom Scale: With a 1,000# capacity - a mere 27 cents per pound

¤ A $55 Curved Shower Rod: To virtually eliminate curtain creep

¤ A $10 Leg Lifter Strap: To get those tired hooves off the floor and into the bed

¤ A $80 Step Stool With a Half-Ton Capacity: I hope the floorboards are reinforced with steel i-beams

¤ A $20 Hangerzilla Brand Clothes Hanger: With the 100# capacity. I guess it's main purpose is to hang up a size XXXXXL leather jacket that's accidentally dropped in the ocean

¤ A $125 Extended Diameter Toilet Seat With 1200# Capacity: Could you imagine fucking an ass that needs the Big John seat. I'd be worried about getting lost between the cheeks.

¤ A $30 Umbrella That's 62" Wide: Holy fuck! Just what we need on the sidewalks of NYC, even wider diameter Hummer-Sized Umbrellas

It's just a matter of time Madison Ave. gets wind of these products, and puts together a "joining a gym, priceless" Mastercard commercial.

Stupid, fat, gluttonous, pampered Americans.