High Fidelity List Series: Top 10 Signs That Block Out Scenery And Defy Common Sense

Subtitled:
Signs, Signs, Everywhere is Signs

Background:
It all started when I found myself asking, "Have any of those huge electronic highway alert signs that came en vogue a year or two ago ever 'warned' me about anything of consequence?” The answer was a resounding, "No". I made a note to check the roadsides I travel upon for other useless signage – and believe you me; someone’s making a fortune here. If I had the political connections, I’d hand in my resignation tomorrow and open a sign manufacturing business.




Introduction:
Knowing the largess of my local government, I’m going to operate under the assumption the NYC-metropolitan area has the largest amount of useless highway signage. In fact, our overabundance of official government signs more than makes up for our limited number of billboards. I’m already starting to ramble on and veer off my planned route, so let me get on to listing some of the stupid shit I’m forced to pay for and unable to avoid reading while rolling down the highway.

Update:
New York Times: The morons (read: assholes) who "run" the NYS Dept of Transportation, spent $4,000,000 of my (and my neighbors) money to rename the Triboro Bridge after a carpetbagging senator. I guess a paltry, little stadium in Washington DC wasn't enough to stroke the Kennedy family's huge ego.

1		ADOPT A HIGHWAY All I can say is ‘Holy Robert Moses’. Kramerisms aside, did you ever get the feeling that if your local politicians and bureaucrats stopped spending so much money on all these road signs, there would be plenty left in the budget to clean up the highways without having to put them up for adoption in the first place? I don’t give a fuck how Bette Midler spends her money – but I seriously doubt I’m gonna run out and rent Ruthless People just because her swatch of roadside has less cigarette butts and coffee cups strewn on it. I don’t even care if 7-11 or some electronics retailer opts to plunk a few bucks down to lease their very own roadside dump. But when public utility companies & cable monopolies start getting in the act, I’m forced to realize they’re paying for their piece of the 'American roadside’ with our money.
2		ELECTRONIC HIGHWAY SIGNS Yeah, occasionally I’ll see an Amber alert and once in a blue moon will be notified of a traffic jam up ahead, but without exaggerating, the signs in my part of the country usually read: ‘ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ – 0123456789’ or “SIGN UNDER TEST” in scrolling illuminated letters. On those few days a year they’re operating as they’re supposed to, I’m usually getting cell phone or seat belt regulation warnings as I’m crawling along at 5 mph.
3		FINES DOUBLED FOR SPEEDING IN WORK ZONES In principle, I don’t have much of a problem with the concept of this law. Christ knows the last thing drivers want to do is startle those hard-working road construction crews. Donuts get dropped, newspapers blown and worse yet; hot coffee could get spilled. My tin-foil hat may be a little tight, but I have a sneaking suspicion the main reason these recently enacted, double-whammy fines were made into law was so signs could be erected on every roadway in the state. Riddle me this, when was the last time you were able to drive anything even near the speed limit while driving past a “work” zone? These signs are useless: They assume driver’s know what the regular fine is – and litter every roadway (whether they’re eventually repaired or not).
4		LOW FLYING AIRCRAFT I’ve yet to fully grasp the concept of low flying plane warnings that litter the Grand Central Pkwy in the vicinity of LaGuardia Airport. OK, I realize available space is limited and runway approaches need to cross the highway…but what the fuck do they expect me to do when I see a yellow sign telling me planes are soaring over the roof of my car? Am I supposed to pull over, retract the roof of the convertible and duck down just low enough to peer over the dashboard?
5		NO HORN BLOWING – EXCEPT FOR DANGER Farked-out D aside, I’m fairly certain these warning signs are pretty much confined to my area of the country. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the need for noise control, but does anyone really think a stressed out gypsy hack who’s on the 11th hour of a 12 hour shift is going to heed it? Other than acting as miniature sound deflection devices, even the warning signs that threaten fines as steep as $350.00 don’t have a diminutive effect on the honking. As a populist aside: I’d also note there are a shitload more noise-restrictions on Sutton Place than there are down in Alphabet City. I wonder why that is.
6		NO SHOULDER Isn’t that pretty evident to anyone who needs to pull over (to catch an overpassing train or throw their cameras away)? I mean when there's a guard rail a mere 12" away from either your driver or passenger side door - or you’re crawling through the canyon-like Cross-Bronx or extra-slender Brooklyn-Queens Expressway, is there really a need to inform drivers there’s no place to pull over?
7		PHOTOGRAPHIC EQUIPMENT PROHIBITED Posted on all major bridges in the NY Metro area. That's right, before traveling across any of our bridges, we want you to pull over, take all your cameras & modern cellphones and toss them into the Hudson or East River. If you see such signs in the subway, you can donate your photographic equipment to the first homeless person that stumbles by. Any pawn shop will pay at least enough for a bottle of Night Train.
8		RAILROAD OVERPASS MARKERS You might be able to convince me that overpasses should have signs notifying drivers which street they are about to cross under – but I challenge you to explain to me why there’s a need to put the name of the railroad on the side of the tressel. I don’t know a single person who grabs a LIRR express train to Jamaica station by parking on the roadway's median.
9		SNOW EVACUATION ROUTE Now, I would understand designating certain thoroughfares as snow emergency routes if they had to be kept clear for plowing – but the bureaucrats in my area designate parkways as snow emergency routes (and place a sign every mile on the roadside to alert us all). What the hell is a snow emergency anyway? Wouldn’t the number of inches required to declare an emergency pretty much make driving impossible?
10		WELCOME TO… Of all the signs I’ve described, these are the ones that piss me off more than any other. “Why?” you ask, “isn’t it government’s job to clearly identify their city’s limits?” Yeah, sure, I have no problem with that. But would you mind telling me whose brilliant idea it was to put the names of government officials at the bottom of all these signs? No one (who doesn’t already know) gives a shit who the Mayor or Borough President is when crossing a boundary line. In fact, people should start asking who in the hell pays to change the names of these egomaniacs after each election cycle.