Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Weekly World News: Memorable Headlines Of The Best American Tabloid 1990-1994


Praise Be Joseph Pulitzer!
I can not believe the favorite tabloid of my youth, The Weekly World News, has made its premiere on Google Books. With a sizable percentage of the Facebook generation taking information gleaned from the internet as fact, you can almost imagine some of the hysterical middle school term papers that are bound be submitted in upcoming years - - -

A Paper For The Art Bell Crowd:
Based out of Florida, the Weekly World News was a supermarket tabloid that started out like it's contemporaries; printing gossip, weight loss plans, celebrity photos and other unreadable crap. From its premiere in 1980 through the turn of the decade, it had gradually transformed into a full blown fiction, with screaming headlines, pseudo stories, farked photos and weekly features from:
►Psychic Sophia Sabak - Later replaced by her younger, more attractive "niece" Serena
►Dear Dotty Advice Column - Innuendo-laced snark that made Xavier Hollander look tame
► Ed Anger's My America - Radical right editorials penned by a stone-age Archie Bunker


The Poor Man's Onion
Other than the higher-brow periodical, The Onion, the first analogy that comes to mind is sport. If the Wall Street Journal is Greco-Roman Wrestling or the New York Times Free-Style Wrestiing; that makes most metropolitan daily tabloids Mixed Martial Arts bouts and the Weekly World News the equivalent of the WWF or GLOW's brand of "Professional Wrestling".

Beyond the Nineties
At the turn of the millennium, the Weekly World News' popularity had peaked and its 'best days' were behind it. Billing itself as The World's Only Reliable Newspaper, its circulation numbers remained strong for the 2001 premiere of the Broadway musical BatBoy, based around the paper's more popular creations. Evident in the Howard Beale line, "guess I just ran out of bullshit" - by 2006 readership plummeted and publication ceased.


Nazi Astronauts Return to Earth

Hitler Launched Them - In 1943! It's Incredible...They Haven't Aged a Day, Says NASA Source

Nelson Mann - April 17, 1990

Titanic Survivor Found On Iceberg

Trawler Picks Up Young Woman Dressed In 1900s Clothes! She Thinks It's April 15, 1912 - And Her Dress Is Still Wet!

Jerry Hale - October 23, 1990

Alien Captured By U.S. Agents!

Creature's UFO Landed In Virgina Mountains! More Top Secret Photos Inside!

October 30, 1990 - Special to the News

Wounded Civil War Soldier Found in Georgia

Doctors Remove Yankee Musket Ball From Man in Tattered Rebel Uniform. The Man Is Not From Our Century, Doctors Tell Police

Doug Kinney - November 13, 1990

Noah's Ark Found in Pennsylvania

Scientist: Old Testament Ship Is Buried in Mountainside...And It Looks Exactly As The Bible Says

David W. Ross - January 8, 1991

73-Year Old JFK Photographed In Window Of White House

Crippled Kennedy Huddling With Bush Over Iraq! Electrifying Pictures Taken Just Days Ago

WWN - January 29, 1991

Farmer Shoots 23 Pound Grasshopper!

Giant Bug Is 4 Feet Long!

Steve Dunlop - April 9, 1991

Space Alien Meets With President Bush!

Top Secret Photo! Creature at Camp David for Six Amazing Hours!

Nick Mann - May 14, 1991

China's Bizarre Plot to Knock Earth Out of Orbit

1.3 Billion Chinese Will Jump Up & Down At The Same Time Sending Planet Into Spin Sept. 27!

Dave Taylor - June 25, 1991

Titanic Captain Found In Lifeboat!

Navy Ship Picks Up Englishman In Fresh 1900s Officer's Uniform. He [Also] Thinks It's April 15, 1912 - And His Pipe Is Still Lit!

Special to the News - September 10, 1991

Loch Ness Monster Captured!

World Exclusive Photos! Beast Is 70 Feet Long And Weighs 20 Tons! We've Caught The Last Dinosaur On Earth!

Jack Alexander - January 4, 1992

Plane Missing Since 1939 Lands!

Skeletons Of 36 Passengers And Crew Found Strapped In Their Seats Aboard New DC-3 Airliner! Old Gold Cigarettes Still Smoldering In The Cabin - And The Coffee's Still Hot!

Peter Drake - May 26, 1992

Adam & Eve's Skeletons Found - In Colorado!

Incredible Photos! The Bible's Garden Of Eden Discovered South Of Denver! Amazing Proof Book Of Genesis Is True

David W. Ross - June 2, 1992

I Had Bigfoot's Baby

World Exclusive: Seattle Mom's Amazing Story! Furry 4-Year-Old Is Healthy, Happy & Smart As A Whip!

Drew Mason - September 29, 1992

Alien Tells Clinton And Bush: Five U.S. Senators Are Space Aliens!

They're Named Inside! Find Out If Your Senator Is On The List!

Nick Mann - November 3, 1992

Hillary Clinton Adopts Alien Baby

Official Photo: Space Creature Survived UFO Crash In Arkansas!

Nick Mann - June 15, 1993

80 Foot Dinosaur Captured In Brazilian Jungle!

Horrified Witnesses See Creature Eat Famous Scientist Alive!

Sarah Mills - July 13, 1993

Clinton Meets With JFK!

Crippled Kennedy Tells Clinton How To Save His Presidency! Top Secret 2-Hour Meeting At Camp David

Marcus Caine - July 27, 1993

Abraham Lincoln's Corpse Revived

He's Kept Alive For 95 Seconds!

Beatrice Dexter - October 5, 1993

Heaven Photographed By Hubble Telescope

Divine Image Stuns NASA! 'We Found Where God Lives,' Says Scientist

Ron Kinton - February 8, 1994

Challenger Astronaut Found Alive! On A Tiny Island In The Bahamas

1986 Space Disaster: There Is A Survivor!

Nick Mann - March 1, 1994

Rush Limbaugh Meets With Space Aliens!

Extraterrestrials Urge Talk Show Host To Run For President In 1996!

Scotty Paul - April 19, 1994

Couple With 8-Inch Tongues Marry!

We're Looking Forward To Starting A New Family Says New Bride!

Scotty Paul - June 14, 1994

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